Krusade Afta Aktshun Report

See also: Da Two Worlds Waaagh

Andaras Assault

“Ah, writin slave. I gots some more for yous tuh write. Now, remba last time, yous just writes zactly wot I say, right, an like, reluvunt jestures? None of dat dressin up my talk all fancy, or missing out da fun little details coz you don’t fink dey’s important. But yous can can put in what you says too, coz sometimes I might wanna ask you stuff. But none of dat slippin in little notes, right? It was funny reading all dat stuff about “if anyone finds diz please rescue me” but once was unuff.

“So, let me tell yous about dis new beekee pall I made. So Da Generalisimork had brought da Ork Royul to dis double sun place… where are we?”

“Andaras,” I respond, “a binary system in the Iolan Reaches.”

“Right, yer, dat. Der main planet as dis big dur wiv real shiny shields which ‘ee decided to nik.

“Dem defences was pretty tough, dey ‘ad loads of dakka to go wiv dem shields, but it was just da slug wot dey covered. So da boss lands us in da fung an’ while dey’s all mobbing up for da big waaagh finking dey’s safe under der shields and da guns, der Kommandoes sneaks ‘round and into der slug and blow up all dem fancy defences an stuff. Afta dat dey didn’t last long.

“So we’z looting and stuff for a few days, as ya do, when we gets da shout on da talky fingy dat some beekees az turned up. Well me an some of da lad woz out in da slug, sort of makin our way back ta da fovv, and doin a bit of light looting an dat, when we comes across some of dem beekees! Dey’s blue, an a bit bigger dan I remember beekees bein. We gets stuck in but deyv got a big ol Deff Dredd wiv dem. Pretty snazzy ta be honest. But I seez der leader so we goes at it.

Ee woz standin at da back shouting fings at iz lads, like oomie bosses generally do, but ee add fancy gear and different glyphs dan de overs and not in a mob so it woz obvious wot ee woz. Iz hair squig were all white an short, an ee ad dis look... Eeva ee woz finking reel ard, or ee needed to visit da drops, ya know? So I legs it in and gets my claw around im and den I wakes up on Dok’s table. Da ladz, well, wot ladz were left, dey says I smashed up da beekee boss but da Dredd din like dat and smacked me wiv its big fist. Da lads dragged be back to ol Bonesnippa an ‘ere I am.”

The ‘Kurnul’ bangs a knife on his bionics, eliciting a metallic sound.

“Fing is… My squig, Princess, ee got squished by da Dredd. So way I figured it ee owes me.”

Guluk noticed me looking at his squig.

“Ah, yer, well I got anuvva din I? Dats Preshus.

“Anyway, next time I sees im was later on. By dis point der Generalissimork as ordered everyone back to da base coz ders too many of dem so we packs up der gear and starts back an dem blue gits turns up again! Dey is tryin ta chase us off, so obviously we turns about and smacked em good. Dis time der was no Dredd so we chased em off pretty quick, but I did manage to get my claw on der boss.

“I eard some of dem callin im Leftenunt Nervous, which kinda makes sense since ee didn’t seem too appy to see me. Dey also said ‘pray to Nervous’. Didn’t get dat bit coz ee might ave been tough for an oomie but ee was well weedy compared to a propper god like Gork an Mork or even yous oomie Empra.

“Anyway, I fort I killed im dis time, but well, turns out I didn’t. Still, we seed dem off gud.”

At this point the Kurnul took a brief pause to consume some form of squig and drink some looted recaff; an unusual choice of beverage amongst Orks who typically prefer crudely brewed intoxicants.

“I erd a weirdboy say once dat “free times da charm” an I figured ee was right, coz da fird time ee tried to zap da enemy it worked, but da ford time iz ed exploded. Anway, I ran into Leftenunt Nervous a fird time.

“Dis time I was in Da Lorry wiv Nakboz an iz boys, and we wuz sent off tuh get some oomie slaves. Some of dem… wot you call oomies wot don’t fight?”

“Civilians?”

“Sure, dem. So da flyboyz says dere’s loads a dem runnin off in a big mob, and we goes out to grab some and drag em back fur lifting and moving stuff and grot work. But when we gets dere we finds some more blue gits standing tween us and der civvies. Obviously I sees dis as a fight brewin, so I calls in der Orkules wot starts eadin our way. Dem blue gits musta felt da same coz just as we’z getting stuck in Leftenunt Nervous turns up again wiv some more boyz of iz own. Course da Orkules is ere by den, so da Paras all jumps out to come join da scrap.

“Din’t go too good for Zagblag an iz lads, dey was floatin down on der parryshoots, and der beekees all just turned der guns to da sky and shoots dem right up. Pretty funny to be honest, quite a few of them got shot in der shoot an just, you know, dropped. We wuz pulling a few of dem ed first outa da ground later. Probly shud try landing a bit furver away next time.

“Anyway it wuz a pretty gud scrap, but by da time we chased off der beekees all der rest of da oomies ad legged it. Stugbrok shot one, not akshully sure why since dat din’t help much, but I can’t blame a lad for enfusiasm. An it wuz only a reel tiny one anyway.

“I did manage to get stuck in wiv Leftenunt Nervous again. Ee’s tuff, I’ll give im dat. We’ve neva met but I’ve smacked im right up, but ee always comes back wiz is flashy little sword and iz funny fighting pose. Chopped some bits off im again but iz Painboy, you can tell beekee painboys coz dey all paints themselves gul, he dragged wot was left of im off as I was trying ta round up ta lads. So, I reckon I’m gunna see im again. Got meeself a Grod, just like Gaz az Ole Bale Eye.”

With that Kurnul Guluk ‘da Git’ left me, the interview apparently concluded.

Counter-Attack

“Alright, so lisun up,” the Kurnul shouted at me as he burst through the door, “I just heard on the voice frower fingy. Dem blue Beakies, led by none Leftenunt Nervous himself, as just smashed frew der defences ta get tuh our Fort. Sarjunt Zagblag wuz out der training up some new boys after der last lot got shot up, and dat useless git Nargruv, and Zogwarp da Shaman. Obviously wivout me der ta shout em into line dey was a bit useless.

“Still, wasn’t completely useless, Zogwarp says Nargruv and is Kommandoes ambushed dem as dey was breaking through and held dem up long enough for Zogwarp to use der magic an get inta Nervous’s head. Seems ol Nervous don’t like us havin nicked der big shields from der city. Der Generalisimork wants dem for der Ork Royul, coz den we’d be inver… invul… unsmashable, an it seems Nervous really wants to stop dat from appening.

“Time to gavver up der lads I fink.”

With that the Kurnul ran off shouting for his 'Boyz' and 'Nobz' to attend him.

Further Opponents Emerge

I am summoned by a gretchin to the lair of “Dok Bonesnippa”, the warband’s medic, wherein I find the considerable bulk of Kurnul Guluk laid out upon a surgical table. There is a large wound in his chest, and the Doc appears to have opened it wider with clamps. Alongside several gretchin orderlies, he is in the process of inspecting the organs within the Kurnul and replacing those he deems unsatisfactory with those taken from a collection of ork corpses piled in the corner. Despite this, the Kurnul appears to be conscious and unconcerned, and he addresses me.

“Der you are, took ya long enuff. Lots been goin’ on so get ya writing stick ready.

“So, I told ya da beakies woz coming for da shields. I went off to round up da ladz, but Sarjunt Nargruv comes up an ee says we’z been infiltrated. I says I know, dats why I’m grabbing da ladz. Der woz a bit of confusion ‘ere, but eventually we worked out dat aside from da beakies, der wuz also some panzees sneaking about da Royul.

“We legs it after ‘em an’ I gets on da talky-talk ta get some air support, panzees are fast but not much can outrun a dakkajet. Dem idjuts in Bravo Toof Zero starts talking nonsense ‘bout footprints an’ broken grass again, but basically wot dey meant was ‘panzees went dis way’ so I grabbed Sarjunt Kroggler an is boys and followed along.

“Afore we catches up we sees a big warband of panzees comin’ our way. Figured dey was ‘ere to rescue their sneakies, so we gets stuck in. Ded tuff to fight panzees coz dey keeps running off just when it looks like it might get interesting, so it wuz getting pretty annoying, but Grukk comes along in ‘is dakkajet Morfang and fings change fast. First ‘ee shreds dem flappy bois, some wiv guns and some just by flyin’ frough dem and choppin’ em up wiv da propella.

“Skwodron Leader Urzog dropped in wiv da Deffkoptas and mashed up a panzee dread and da weirdboss, and Grukk finishes up da bird bois and da lesser weirdboy an’ der rest just legs it. Guts ov a grot I tells ya. Found da spies too, so good job all round.

“Den I gets word dat Nervous is back an callin’ me out. So obviously I goes to show ‘im I’m still da boss, maybe finish ‘im off, but dis time ‘ee brought some Nobs wiv ‘im. Big lads in oomie mega-armour and massive slappy hands. Like power claws but more silly looking. Splatted a few of them but they’s tougher than they look and I will admit, gave me a bit of hurtin’. Den Nervous steps in an’ shoves is choppa right in ‘ere.”

The Kurnul gestures to his open wound.

“Now dat urt. Still, da ladz did me proud an’ chased off all der Beakies, gave ‘em a hidin’ to remember us by. When I woke up Doc Bonesnippa ‘ere was talking ‘bout bringing me ‘ere for fixin’ but my blood was up so we mounted up and went afta da Beakies. Caught up wiv’ dem in some oomie settlement, but dey ‘ad met da Panzees. I fort Panzees and Oomies was enemies but deeze ones woz all of dem painted blue and white same as each uvver and fought togevver so somfin’s up der.

“So we’z sortin’ ourselves out for da scrap when some weird bugeye’s started climbin’ out of da sewers and avin’ a go. So I jumped out of da Tigork, and we got stuck in wiv da Bugeyes. Seemed dey ad some Oomie-Bugeyes too, but dey was well soft and squishy, not like Beakies. So we scrapped wiv’ dem a bit, and da Panzees and da Beakies but obviously fings got pretty hot pretty quickly so we ad ta leave. Plus I woz oozin’ pretty bad.

There was a brief interlude before the Kurnul continued as a gretchin orderly was reprimanded for trying to flick bogies into his open wound

“Wot I didn’t know, but finds out later, was dat some of da Bugeyes followed us back ta base. Bless ‘em, dey woz trin’ ta raid one of the forward airbases for fuel. Pity for dem dat Leftenunt Skarzot Badfang woz skulkin’ about. ‘Im an some ladz fires off some of da fireworks ta let everyone know dere’s a scrap going down. Da Orko Rosso ‘imself, Group Kaptin Mazzadak turns up wiv some uvver pilots in tow and strafe’s a zog out of ‘em.

“Load of bikers and buggies and trukks all smashed up and more scrap for us. Sad I missed it. Gotta give ‘em da respek doh, da last trukk wen’t proppa mental and rammed isself inta some of da ladz and blowed up. None of dat wussy stuff, deez bugeye’s are a bit squishy but dey’s game for a good scrap.

“Anyway I woz busy elsewhere, tryin’ ta nick some Oomie fuel too. I guess everyone needs fuel after a big scrap. ‘Cept we runs inta some uvver mob. Turns out some new boss called Grimtoof ‘eard we ‘ad a good fing going ‘ere and brought ‘is ladz along to join da fight. Dropped a big rock out in da fung not too far from da Royul and set ta raiding da humies same as us.

“Obviously we wanted da fuel for da planes, but iz ladz is all Evil Sunz nutjobs so dey’s praktikly drinks da stuff. We ad a bit of a scrap ‘bout it, but I’z gots ta admit dey did get more of da go juice dan we did. We ‘ad more pumps dan dem but humies don’t make stuff good like da Mek’s an our’s broke afore der’s did. Still, we gone some fuel and it woz a larf.

“Den I comes back ‘ere ta let Bonesnippa do iz fing. Got fed up of dripping ‘an me legz wuz startin’ ta get a bit wobbly.”

At this point the interview was terminated and Doc Bonesnippa commenced closing the chest wound by the means of an industrial sized staple gun.

Leaving Andaras

With a horrifying flash of darkness tinged with purple and a feeling of coldness that went beyond the physical, the Kurnul appeared before me.

“Ah, der youz iz!” he shouted, more enthusiastic and, dare I say, happy than usual?

“Right, so, lisun up. We’z got wurd dat da blue beekees woz coming at us again. Dis time der was no sneaking, der woz loads of dem and ey ‘ad tanks and stuff. So I grabbed all da ladz I could find, an’ went and laid a trap. It woz ded kunnin’ we all hid in der fort and made it look empty. Akchully I’m pretty sure dey ‘eard us since a lot of da ladz was laughin and torturing da grots and da like, but it did mean dey couldn’t shoot us and had to get real close.

“So we lets dem get close, an den we charges out of da fort and smashes dem. Well, dat woz da plan anyway, but akshully da grots kinda got in da way. Most of da lads wot didn’t get shot up got in, but der Leftenant, dat’s Badfang not der Beekee Nervous, ‘ee didn’t show up, an me we gots tripped up. By the time I got meself sorted da scrap was basically done, da lads ‘ad smashed up a bunch of beekees but der woz plenty left so most of ‘em were eever down or leggin’ it. I did like da ambush idea though so I went back in da fort ta give it anuvver go.

“Meanwhile da Orko Rosso ‘ad arrived wiv’ some Deffkoptas and da Tankbustas popped up and da Tigork came outa hidin’ and dey all started smashin’ up der humie vehicles. Dey ad dis one tank wot woz stupid tough ta blow up, kept goin’ way afta it shold ‘ave been scrap, so fort back reel good and shot down da Firespitta and smashed up da Tigork but dey got it eventually and da big Dredd too. At dis point we ‘ad kinda won, we wuz smashin’ dem good, but dey made one last go towards da gate so I legged it out for ambush da second.

“Course dey cheated, dey always cheats. Nervous weren’t der so I picks a fight wiv da lad wiv da shiniest gubbinz, and one of iz ladz wiv a big ‘ammer comes an’ ‘its me from behind. The bloody cheek! It’s only fun if we’re da ones doing da sneaky business! Anyway, I took a swipe on my way down but I really fort dis was my time, gonna meet Gork an’ Mork but at least I went down fightin’ an’ winnin’ so it was prob’ly gonna be good.

“When we woz first in da city,” the Kurnul appears to take a wild tangent at the climax of his story, “we wuz lootin’ some of da reel fancy humie huts, god some pretty shiny gubbinz. I nicked dis one fing wot was like a shiny box fing wiv dials and a big button. Humies are pretty word, but dis woz hand sized wiv a button so I figured it’s some kinda fancy humie stickbomb.

“So I’z lyin’ on der floor, and me bionics are just scrap from da ‘ammer,” the Kurnul’s bionics do appear to have been extensively rebuilt since I last saw him, “and dey is decidin’ which of dem get’s ta finish me off, and I decides it’s gonna be me an I’ll take ‘em wiv me. So I pushes da button on der new stickbomb. ‘Sept instead of being blowed up or frozen or some uvver fun stickbomb fing, I just… was somewhere else!

“Got Mek Stugbrok ta take a look an’ ee says it’s a Telly-Porta. Super rare, even humies don’t know ow to make dem ee says. Ee wanted ta take it apart and find out how it works but I smacked ‘im good coz when dey do dat it never works right afta. Oh yeah, an I got ‘im to fix me,” he gestures at his repaired bionics. “Got ‘im ta use some of da scrap we got off da tank wot wouldn’t die, so now I’z tougher dan ever!

“Anyway, der Generalisimork says der humie ship is runnin’ off to fight some uvver ships an’ we’z got da big shield form da big dur an’ we knows der beekees want it back so we’ze gonna leg it before dey gets anuvver chance. Pack yer writin’ stuff, we’ve gettin’ back on der Ork Royul.”

Scrap Scrap

Kurnul Guluk da Git appeared before me in the migraine inducing purple flash of his personal teleporter.

“Der you is writin’ slave. I bin busy, so we’s got a lot to summarise for der report. Da Generalisimork likes a good report.

“So, look, afta we left dat uvver world,”
“Andaras,” I supplied,
“We din’t know where ta go but then we got word on the talky box from Grimtoof dat der’s a world dat’s just endless scrap and fightin called Yack.”
“Iaa-Q”
“Sure, anyways, we headed over.”

“So we puts da Ork Royul down on a flat bit, and start sending out raiding parties. Sarjunt Nargruv da Shiv an ‘is Kommando boys wot call ‘emselves Bravo Toof Zero found a good stash, so we heads over and starts ta scope it out, when along come some of dem Oomie Mekboyz shoutin’ an hollerin’ about Elderi, which is oomie for da Panzees. Di’n’t really get dat bit, but still a scarp’s a scarp so I calls up some more ladz an we piled in. Dey was all wearing blue and started looking through da scrap, so obviously dey was looters, but we wuz ‘ere first.

“Me an Farksnot wiv ‘is Scrapjet piled in on der right flank, whilst Bravo Toof Zero and da Guard covered the scrap we’d already claimed. Between us we made short work of some of them weedy boyz, but den loads more of dem piled in, big lads wiv tracks fer legs and a walker tank an da Scrapjet got blowed up, again, so I teleported away, job done. On da uvver side Grukk brings ‘is Dakkajet Morfang in for a strafing run and puts some dakka on da oomies searching for scrap at der end, wiv da Squigbuggy helping. Not sure which idiot let the boys on da food trukk get a squig cannon because now they’re fring my lunch at da enemy. Anyway, it woz a pretty good fight, dey gave a food fight but we go all da good scrap.”

Boarding Action

“Meanwhile back at da Ork Royul, Leftenunt Skarzot Badfang wuz ‘aving some fun too. Seems some of dem bugeye weirdos from Andaras is here too. A bunch of dem attacked da Royul. Seemed dat dey woz ded keen to get into da hatches, which was odd, but kinda doomed since our lads were coming right out of dem same hatches so obviously we scragged dem gits reel quick. Badfang says dey only got to one hatch before dey wuz all krumped.”

Dodgy Neighbourhood

“So we’ze out on da hunt for more scrap, when a bunch of dreads and kans turned up. Da big dred was spooky, just kinda appeared out of da air. Den some more smaller kans and a bunch of boys. Not proper Ork boys, wimpy boys, like oomies but blue. Dey add some real good dakka but dey woz even more wimpy up close dan da oomies. Like… if some idiot gave grot better dakka.

“Da dreds and kans woz quite impressive, I liked how dey jumped around a lot, but dey wasted it by jumping around and shootin’ when dey coulda been getting up close! Obviously dakka isn’t as good as putting da boot in so we put da boot in and smashed dem up, whilst also grabbin’ all da scrap. Between da scrap wot was already der and smashed up kans we got loads, Mek Stugbrok was well chuffed.”

Fuel Fight

“So havin’ krumped everyone and nicked everyfing, we got bored of Yack and da Generalisimork decided we would find somewhere new. Da Wierdboys said der woz some world wot da Panzees had been scrapping wiv da Beekees for, so we figured we’d go der for some easy pickings to get more fuel, since Yack was just scrap and we woz runnin’ a bit low. Some place called Eddisan?”

“Edrastan.”

“Sure. So down we goes and we finds a big fuel tank place and head over to nick it, when a bunch of beekees turn up. Not da blue ones like Leftenunt Nervous, black and white Goff Beekies. And dey woz propper Goffs too, got stuck right in for some serious krumpin’. I wuz having a great time, boys and beekies getting krumped all over, but let meeself get a bit distracted from da fuel and before I knows it dey’ve dumped the fuel ou and set up some bombs so, well, we legged it. Massive boom which was pretty fun to watch, and da whole forest burned, but… no fuel for us.”

Sisters Act

“Anyway, so some of der sivvy… wots?”

“Civilians?”

“Yeah, dem. Dey ‘ad legged it in trukks when we turned up, and some of dem woz fuel trukks, so we followed dem to try and get at least some of da fuel. Found dem at some big shak wot you oomies go to talk ta yur Emprah, coz ee’s not as good as Gork an’ Mork wot we can talk too anywhere. Bunch of dem oomies wot wear da megaarmour like beekies but are still weedy like normal oomies woz der, all singing and shoutin’ about da Emprah stuff.

“So we charged into da shak but dey’d cheated and parked a big battlewagon full of skorchas in der and, well, lots of da boys was doing da burny dance real quick. I got in der wiv some of da boys, and we krumped all da oomie boys we found, but der woz more of dem and da Deffkoptas woz zoggin’ idiots and failed ta krump da skorcha wagon, and da Squigbuggy kept missing der dakka lads on da roof so basically we got pretty krumped ourselves and had ta leg it. Not exactly our finest hour.

“After similar stuff all over da Generalisimork gave da Wierdboys a smakin’ coz dis clearly wasn’t da undefended world wot day claimed, and we zogged off ta find fuel somewhere else.”

Battle of the Bands

Having docked at the Ork world of “Boff's Rok”, Guluk had been away for some time before returning the Ork Royul.

“Dat. Woz. WICKED!”

Guluk wanders around for a moment making non-verbal noises, possibly humming?

“So we’z went down ta Mek City for to buy some gear, right, an’ I heard der wuz diz old fightin’ pit outside da city wot woz now real popular as a Goff Rokk place, so me an’ some of da ladz went ta check it out. Everyone says it’s ded good, some Boss called Sirrus Bizznizz as been gettin’ a name fer ‘imself, an ee’s bin off looting and just come back to do a bigger and better show.

“I wasn’t a big fan of da rokk me-self, but I likes it when uvvers is makin’ noise, makes it easy to be sneaky, and some of da ladz was keen so I went wiv em to check it out. So we goes down, an dis mob ‘Mastodork’ is playin’ an it’s pretty fumpin’ and we pushes up front coz it’s loudest der, but we’z pretty surrounded by dem Goff boys an dey’s muting fings about how we’z Morky enough to wear somefin’ uvver dan dumb black, an, well one fing leads to anuvver and den Sirrus Bizznizz shows up and we’z kinda lined up already and obviously we had ta get da jump on dem before dey got da jump on us.

“So we mostly duffed up dem Goff boys, tough ladz but it seems like dey aven’t ad as much ‘sperience actually fightin as my boyz. But dat Sirrus was one tough Ork!

A terrifying comment from an Ork that has single-handedly destroyed dozens of imperial warmachines and beaten veteran Astartes heroes.

“I got my claw stuck in him, which normally ends things pretty fast, but instead of dying or even just lying down, ee laughs, pulls me in close and nuts me. Beekee Dredds don’t hit so hard. So partially from da nut, and partially the surprise, I goes down.

“Anyway, afta dat ee wakes me up wiv a squig brew an’ we listens to da band an after we talks about raidin’ oomies and stuff… It’s not exactly Morky, n it ain’t my way, but I likes his style.”

With that said, Guluk wanderers off, rhythmically thumping the walls as he goes.

New Leadership

It has been some time since Guluk last visited me. The ship has moved several times, the translation to the warp is unmissable, but I began to wonder if I had been forgotten by all but the gretchin who brought me meagre gruel. Finally, weeks later, Guluk opens my cell. A strange and terrifying trait of the Orks is their ability for full adults to continue to grow into larger and more powerful creatures. Guluk grew significantly during his fighting with the Cobalt Scions on Andaras as he rose to prominence amongst the Generalissimork's Warbosses. Since I last saw him, he has grown again, a towering monstrosity of muscle and scar tissue.

“Der you’z are! Been a bit busy recently, but fort it woz time we caught up. Last time I fink we’d met Sirrius. Good lad, bit weird but in a fun way. Well me an’ the ladz took a liking to ‘iz rokk gigs, but ‘ee charges a pretty toof to get in. Course I goes wherever I wants ta go, an Nargruv and iz Bravo Toof Zero seem to enjoy sneaking into da gig more dan listening to da rokk, I’ve ‘eard dey spend most of da gig walking out past da door boys and sneaking back in an seeing ow long it takes da door boyz to realise. But most of da boyz need tickets.

“So I ‘ere dat Sirrius is ded keen on dis “wurrbone” stuff. So I takes da ladz out for a bit of lootin’. A good boss knows ta keep da ladz happy. Fing iz, da Panzees like da wurrbone too, and dey got pretty stroppy wiv us. To be honest, it wasn’t da most fun fight, dey mostly just shot us a lot wiv dem little choppy blade guns dey’ve got. We managed to smash up a few wot got close enough, but most of da ladz legged it; often holding a severed limb dey wanted da Dok Bonesnippa to re-attach. Not always dere own eiver, dere’s some boyz out dere now looking pretty lopsided.

“When we gets back, da Generalissimork is pretty stroppy. Says it woz an ‘unauthorised operation’ and not allowed. I tells him about keeping da ladz ‘appy an’ ‘ee says da boyz don’t need to be ‘appy, dey just need ta do wot ‘ee says. An’ I realised dat akshully ‘ee wasn’t a good boss. So… well, we ‘ad a bit of a scrap. So now I’m da boss of da whole Waaagh!”

He beams at me like I should be terribly impressed, but I can’t help thinking of a canid wagging its tail.

“Ta celebrate, I decided to take da whole Waaagh to a gig. Sirius ‘ad moved off to some place called Eyeolnine, were der was dis big wurrbone fing, and built da biggest stage ever. On da way Zogwarp, da Shaman, says ‘ee feels somefing like wurrbone, but different. So we goes to nick some of dat, but a bunch of dem tinboyz comes out ta fight for it. Tinboys don’t die propper when you kill dem, so we could have been there for ages. At some uvver time dat might have been fun, but we ‘ad a gig to go to so we gave up on dat, gave Zogwarp a smack for getting us distracted, and heads to Eyeolnine.!”

Possibly IOL-9?

“To make a big tale little, da gig woz so good dat da Panzees came ta join in. Dey seemed pretty stroppy though, and we ended up getting pretty smashed up around da stage. Sirius said ‘ee was gonna make da biggest fort around da stage for when dey comes back, but da ladz didn’t fancy a bunch of diggin’ an’ buildin’ so we left. Also not all of da Waaagh are into da Rokk, an’ I don’t wants dem getting bored and wondering off. Now we’z sailin’ da weird again, lookin’ for da next adventure!”

With that, Guluk picked my up in one hand and tossed me bodily back into my cell. He seems to like to make a dramatic exit.